I’ve been sort of off-kelter the past few days[weeks]. Not exactly sure when it started, or what exactly triggered it, but I just get the sense that my relationships with my colleagues is waning.
And it sucks. These are the same people with whom I shared a Frisbee field with not six months ago, excited about commencing my studies and looking forward to what would transpire over the next two years.
But since, I dunno, a few weeks ago, something changed. Again, I don’t plan to pinpoint any specific event, but I just get these feelings of despair that I’ll leave this place wondering what I just spent my money on, because it certainly wasn’t meant to be spent on two years of partially getting to know people, watching classmates gather for yearly reunions while I sit in seclusion up in the Pacific Northwest.
Tonight, fresh off a Net Impact election that ended in a way I didn’t expect, I think I targeted one cause of this frustration:
I hate competing with people. I absolutely despise it. I hate having to write up a platform simply to explain how I’m better than another candidate, and I hate watching others do it as well, do it better than me, and win. Hmm, maybe I just hate losing.
I hate having to sift through the incessant discussions about recruiting, because it ultimately means that I fared better in an interview than someone else (and vice versa), and either my or his/her personality is not meeting the standard someone else sets. Tonight, several of us that have interviews tomorrow met with a recruiter at dinner and talked about renewable energy, India, and topics that we all actually cared about. It was beautiful.
I hate seeing others watch me sulk about all this, probably wondering why I’m in such a pissy mood and won’t talk to people, when really all I want is for someone to come over, ask what’s going on, and let me take them to the Jug for a beer so we can talk about what ails us in a way that shoulders one another’s burdens.
It’s something I miss from my Quest family in Seattle, my BIC family in Berlin, and my Vecinos family in Indianapolis: the refusal to accept “I’m good, how are you?” as a proper response to questions about life. I don’t need a leadership position to challenge that notion, and I should get going on that before it’s too late.